|
Fog On The Tyne |
G G C G
Sitting in a sleazy snack bar, sucking
C D G-C-G
Sickly sausage rolls
G G C G
Slipping down slowly slipping down sideways
C D Em
Think I'll sign on the dole
G G C G
Fog on the Tyne is all mine all mine
C D G-C-G
Fog on the Tyne is all mine.
Could a copper catch a crooked coffin maker
Could a copper comprehend
That a crooked coffin maker's just an undertaker
Who undertakes to be your friend
Tell it to tomorrow today'll take its time
to tell you what tonight will bring.
Presently we'll have a pint or two together
Everybody doing their thing
We can sing together we can have a wee-wee
We can have a wet on the wall.
Someone slips a whisper that a simple sister
slapped them down slap it on the small
It happened up in Hartlepool, about the time of France,
The Emperor Napoleon was leading us a dance;
When up along the swell came a British man o'war,
The Captain's own pet monkey got washed up on the shore.
Young folks, old folks, everyone and each,
Come and see the Frenchie who's landed on the beach,
He's got long arms, a great long tail and he's covered all in hair
We think that he's a spy so we'll hang him in the square.
Well the Lord Mayor of Hartlepool was walking down the shore
When he saw this funny thing that he'd never seen before
A-sitting in the sand was a little hairy man
A-clutching a banana in his little hairy hand.
Well, the Lord Mayor fetched the town clerk who hurried to the shore
There he found this little man where he had been before
A crowd had gathered round him cos he was the strangest sight
Since the sporting club caught fire the previous Friday night.
Now Constable Parsons he hurried to the scene
He viewed the situation and he licked his pencil clean
Said "Causing a disturbance is a serious hoffence
and everything you say will go down in evidence."
Well when this little man spoke a funny thing was heard,
And Constable Parsons couldn't understand a word,
The reason for his puzzlement was very plain to see
The man he was a foreigner from far across the sea.
So they hung this little Frenchie from the gallows in the town,
With a rope around his neck and his tail all hanging down.
As a warning to Napoleon to make himself a rule
And not to send his little hairy spies to dear old Hartlepool.
A is for as I walked out, as all good songs begin,
B is for Brave Boys, the bit the audience joins in.
C is for the cabin boy who turns out not to be male, and
D is for the drummer who is very often female.
E is for ethnic stance with hand round mug of beer,
F is for the finger wot you sticks into your ear.
G is for the garter which often comes undone, and
H is for the hay where you untie it which is fun.
I is for the Irish rascal who already has a wife,
J is for John Barleycorn who keeps coming back to life.
K is for the k-nave who took a k-nife and killed -
his sister, and mother, and father, seven brothers and assortment of male servants, his horse, his hawk, his greyhound, his ferrets, himself, all in 47 verses and assortment of keys.
L is where he's going, for to bake and burn and blister.
M is the merry month of May when youthful blood springs hot;
N is nine months later when you wish that it had not.
O is for "O no John no John no I don't approve, of
P the perky way in which I saw your trousers move.
Q is found at festivals outside the ladies loo
R is for real ale, me boys, responsible for Q.
S is the sporran of the bonnie heilan laddy
T is wild mountain thyme, gings a treat with finnan haddie
U is unnaccompanied song of very great appraisal
V is for the vowel sounds which should prferably be nasal.
W is for the wife who takes tumble with the groom
X is what her husband says on entering the room.
Y is you good people, I hope you've not been bored
Z is for the zeal, with which I hope you might applaud!
G D G-C-G
When old me dog within his shell he stews
C C G
When kangaroo doth feed on Scottish heather
C C G
When Michael Fish reads forecast in the nude
G D G-C-G
Then be as like we'll have some decent weather
When chucky pig do grow on Emmet top
And Maggie Pye from wurzel tree doth frown
...Then a deep depression centred on the N Atlantic will advance on an occluded front across south western areas with a consequent fall in barometric pressure ...
And mighty soon it will be piddling down.
But when blacky bird fly backward towards the south
And build her nest with breeze-block in the elder
...And the actual tilt of the northern hemisphere be 23 degrees away from a line perpendicular to the earth's orbit around the sun ...
Then brass monkeys will be looking for a welder.
D A7 D G
There once was a very holy vicar,
D A7 D
walking down the road one day.
D A7 D G
When he heard a little voice saying "Excuse me vicar,
D A7 D
Help me vicar" it said
G G G G
And the vicar looked around and all he could see
D D D D
was a tiny frog sitting on the ground.
D A7 D G
"My dear little frog did you speak to me,
D A7 D
was it you who made that sound?"
"Oh yes" said the frog, "Oh help me vicar,
for I'm not a frog you see;
I'm a choirboy really but a wicked fairy
cast a nasty spell on me.
And the only way I can be saved
From that evil spell the little frog said
Is for some one to take me and put me in the place
Where the holy man has laid his head.
So the vicar took him home and put him on the pillow;
there he lay to the break of day.
And the very next morning ---- a blessed miracle!
The spell was broken I'm glad to say.
And there was the choir boy in bed with the vicar,
And I hope you'll think this all makes sense
For there my Lord and members of the jury
Rests the case for the defence .....!
C G7
There's Lego in the toaster and there's Lego down the loo,
G7 C
And look before you swallow cos there's Lego in the stew.
G F
Don't tell the little b-builders what you'd really like to do
C G7 C
Just remember, they're only kids.
And isn't it exciting when the words begin to come
You teach them Dada and you teach them Mum
And then you try to shut them up when they discover bum
Just remember, they're only kids.
At night they look so cosy those infant mafiosi
But bolt the bedroom door I'm telling you
Cos when you get romantic there's a sound that drives you frantic
"Hello Mum and Dad, can I play horsey too?"
And it's Mummy we've been helping, Mummy why have you gone pale?
Look what's in your handbag, we've been catching snails!
And we've nearly fixed the telly, we've just run out of nails
Just remember, we're only kids.
Grandad's in the bathroom and the air is turning blue
The kids have filled the keyhole with a tube of superglue
And he didn't spot the clingfilm they'd stretched across the loo
Just remember, they're only kids.
And then your little lad all innocent says "Dad
Can 10-year olds get in the family way"
You smile and say "Not yet" .... but your legs turn sort of wet
When you hear him tell the girl next door "I said we'd be OK"
The magazines they read are on the purple side of blue
They know where babies come from and they know what stops them too
And with Action Man and Cindy they'll show you a trick or two
Just remember, they're only kids.
Now the years have passed and your little birds have flown
You're off the tranquilisers and it's Home Sweet Home
And then they come to visit you with children of their own
Just remember, they're only kids.
C C F F
In a crumbling ruin condemned for years
G G G G
There dwelt a widow, such a kind old dear.
C C F C
For forty years in a basement flat
F F C C
No friend had she but her old tom-cat
One Christmas eve she sat cold and glum
When a blinding flash lit up her lonely slum.
And there stood a fairy saying "Have no fear
To grant three wishes they have sent me here."
With trembling hands she held forth her purse,
"A widow's pension don't go far of course."
The fairy waved her wand around,
And on the floor lay 10,000.
"A fabulous figure and a face divine
All my life I have wished them mine."
"Hold tight" said the fairy "and I'll have a go!"
And made her look just like Brigit Bardot.
This vision of beauty in her chair she sat,
Her eyes did light on her old tom-cat.
"He's me only friend so if you can
Make him my handsome young fancy man."
This handsome youth to the girl drew near
And whispered softly all in her ear,
"Oh the night is young, Ah but you'll regret
the day you took me to see the vet!"
There was a wee couper who lived in Fife,
Nickety nackety noo noo noo
He had gotten a gentle wife
Hey willy wallacky, hey John Dougal
A lane quo rachety roo roo roo.
She widnae bake, she widnae brew
For the spoiling of her comely hue.
She widnae card and she widnae spin
For the shaming of her gentle kin.
The couper he went tae his wool shack
And laid a sheepskin across his wife's back
I widnae thrash ye for yer gentle kin
But I would thrash my ain sheepskin
Now you who hae gotten a gentle wife
Just send ye for the wee couper of Fife